Fun(ny) things

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[jimtzu]

effects of alcohol and drugs on spiders:
http://www.glumbert.com/media/spiders

[greg]

Here's a joke for you.


Two hillbillies walk into a bar.
While having a shot of whiskey,
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
Who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
That she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

"Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,
Lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her
Drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his  tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly
Walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that thar 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

 

[greg]

War on Drugs Expands to Catnip

by Fred E. Foldvary

Drug warriors scored a virtual victory after the 2006 U.S. elections when they hurriedly extended the War on Drugs to a psychoactive substance previously exempt: nepetalactone, the main psychoactive ingredient in catnip. It is well known that the sniffing of catnip makes some cats "turn on." Their eyes open wide, they roll over on the floor, they hug and bite the catnip toy and kick it with the feet, and they friskily run to and fro, similar to human beings who go crazy ingesting psychoactive drugs.
While catnip does not have the same effect on human beings, the advocates of banning catnip have pointed out that children who give their cats catnip and then see the cat being "happy" might get dangerous ideas about getting high. They think, if the cat can feel good, why not them too? Indeed, the first step to marijuana addiction may well be catnip! According to the drug warriors, catnip has been a major gateway to the human abuse of drugs, and yet there has been no prohibition.

The U.S. federal ban on drugs began in 1914 with the Harrison Narcotic Act to control opium. Alcohol was prohibited by the 18th Amendment in 1919, in an era where the U.S. Constitution was still respected, but the Amendment was repealed by the 21st Amendment in 1933.

In 1937, convinced that marijuana causes insanity, Congress passed the Marijuana Tax Act, which effectively prohibited that substance. The full-scale war on psychoactive substances started with Nixon's declaration in 1969 that such drugs were "America's public enemy number one." Congress formally declared the War on Drugs with the Controlled Substances Act of 1970. The agency that prosecutes this war is the Drug Enforcement Administration.

In 1988, the Reagan Administration created the Office of National Drug Control Policy to bring together all federal departments and agencies into a united war campaign. In accord with America's traditional admiration of the Roman dictator Caesar, the director of ONDCP is called the Drug Czar, and the recognition of the War on Drugs as America's number one bipartisan obsession was made clear by raising the Drug Czar to cabinet-level status by President Bill Clinton in 1993.

Now the last great loophole in the abuse of drugs by both children and adults has been closed. The enforcement of the prohibition of catnip will begin nationally with the first full eclipse of the sun in 2007, to symbolize the eclipse of the libertine and lascivious feline attitudes that have led to catnip abuse. Americans will receive orders to destroy all catnip in their homes before the eclipse.

The War on Catnip has started already as a pilot program in the so-called "red zone" of Washington, DC. The assistant to the Drug Czar for federal territory is Ima Tyrant, who was transferred to the ONDCP from the Federal Communications Commission's "Office of Philosophy and Economics," which has been enforcing a ban on philosophic and economic indecency.

Some Washington red-zone residents stubbornly refused to destroy their illicit catnip. For example, Dr. Felix thought that nobody would know that he still had some catnip in his cabinet. But Ima Tyrant sent dog patrols down the red-zone streets of Washington, hounds who were trained to detect minute particles of catnip. The dogs howled at Dr. Felix's front door, and the catnip SWAT teem stormed into the house and went through all the closets, cabinets and shelves, dumping everything on the floor until they finally found the catnip. Dr. Felix is now in federal prison on a life sentence for the possession of catnip.

But, like marijuana, there is also the problem of controlling the catnip plants, scientifically called Nepeta cataria. Catnip is a member of the mint family, and the plant grows all over North America. The 2006 Prohibition of the Possession of Nepetalactone and Catnip Plants Act makes it a federal crime to grow catnip on one's land, even if the landowner does not know that the plants are present. Large-scale spraying with toxic chemicals will occur during 2006 everywhere that satellites detect catnip plants. Unfortunately, sometimes spearmint and basil plants look like catnip, and these may also be sprayed. Americans will be warned to avoid ingesting any herbs of the mint family after the spraying.

"Catnip is a much greater drug problem than most people realize," said Ima Tyrant in a recently televised interview. "Some teenagers have experimented with smoking catnip. People also make tea from catnip, and have used it in folk medicines. We can no longer tolerate this big loophole in drug abuse. The prohibition of catnip will the "cat-stone" to America's War on Drugs.

"But why is alcohol not included in banned substances, as it causes much more trouble than catnip?" asked the interviewer. Ima Tyrant replied, "Alcohol is not really a drug. That's a myth perpetuated by those who foolishly want to legalize drugs. Alcohol is a normal drink, and like fatty foods, sure it can be abused, but to call alcohol a drug is sheer propaganda."

You hip cats have only a limited time to enjoy your cataria until the eclipse of your feline liberty. The dogs of war will then come barking, so beware.

http://www.progress.org/2006/fold483.htm

[jimtzu]

whooooaaaa duuuudde... catnip: the new gateway drug.   

i checked out the original link at the bottom and i still can't decide if it's a tongue in cheek spoof or if it's real.  so hard to tell in these times, and with this administration.  straighten me out before i have a flashback 

[Liz]

I liked the hillbilly one. I did post a couple in similar vein, but someone strongly disapproved. seems only men are allowed to make bawdy jokes.........................

Still deciding whetehr to accept that and pander to the prejudices or do something a whole lot worse............:-)

Liz

[Daniel]

This one is sad  , and funny  at the same time. Don't take the WRONG BUS!

Thai woman tells of 25-year detour after catching wrong bus

by Rapee Mama
Thu Feb 8, 2:55 AM ET
 


A Thai mother who was lost for 25 years after catching the wrong bus home has spoken of her ordeal after being reunited with her family thanks to simple song.

The last time Jaeyaena Beuraheng saw her seven children was in 1982 when she left south Thailand on one of her regular shopping trips across the border to nearby Malaysia.

She never returned, and police later told her family that she had apparently been killed in a traffic accident.

In fact, Jaeyaena had simply taken the wrong bus home -- an error that would have been easy to fix except that she only speaks the local dialect of Malay known as Yawi, according to officials at the homeless shelter where the 76-year-old has lived for two decades.

"I didn't tell anybody where I was going on that day, because I went there quite often," she told AFP, crying as she spoke.

She was heading home from her shopping trip when she mistakenly hopped on a bus to Bangkok, some 1,150 kilometers (700 miles) north of her home in Narathiwat province.

In Bangkok, unable to read Thai and speaking a language few Thais can understand, she again took a wrong bus, this time to Chiang Mai, another 700 kilometers (430 miles) further north.

There she ended up as a beggar for five years, until she was sent to a homeless shelter in the central Thai province of Phitsanulok in 1987.

"I thought I would die in Phitsanulok. I thought about running away many times, but then I worried I would not be able to make it home. I really missed my children," Jaeyaena said.

Officials at the shelter told AFP that she was known as "Auntie Mon," because her speech sounded similar to the language of ethnic Mon living along the border with Myanmar.

But still no one could understand her, until last week when three health students from Narathiwat arrived on an exchange program to research the problem of homelessness at the shelter.

She sang a song for the visitors, one that the staff at the shelter had often heard but did not understand.

"She sang her same old song, one that nobody could understand until those three students from Narathiwat told us that she was sing in Yawi, a Malay dialect," the official said.

"So we asked them to talk to her and find out if she had relatives," official said.

Jaeyaena told the students that she had a Malaysian husband and seven children, recounting her entire story of the bus and how she had become lost in northern Thailand.

Her shocked family sent her youngest son and her eldest daughter to meet her and bring her home on Tuesday, the official said.

"She remembered all of her children's names. But at first she couldn't recognise her youngest son, but she recognised her eldest daughter," said the official, who was at their reunion.

Her children took her back to their family home in Dusongyo village, in a remote corner of Narathiwat, where her children and grandchildren were still hugging and kissing her two days after her return.

[jimtzu]

http://ourhollowearth.com/

[Liz]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife
were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


     God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.

Liz

[jimtzu]

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
 
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
 
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
 
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
 
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
 
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
 
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
 
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
 
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
 
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
 
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask?, "Because you are my friend".
 
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

[Daniel]

I've just become a vegetarian 

[jimtzu]

i think you have a little something in your teeth, daniel... right.. there.... 

[jimtzu]

Escher's Realtivity done in lego's and how it was constructed
http://www.andrewlipson.com/escher/relativity.html

[jimtzu]

***A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

 

**On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

 

**The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.   

 

**Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.   

 

**Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. 

 

**Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. 

 

**They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. 

 

**The next year the Japanese won by two miles.   

 

**Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

 

**The End***

 

[Daniel]

Jimtzu,

  I'm posting that one on my locker at work! 

Dan

[jimtzu]

this one's in honor of Liz being in texas:

biggest boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a  cowboy with his feet propped up
on a table. He had the biggest boots  she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they  say about men with big
feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and  said, "Shore is, little
lady. Why don't you come on out to the  bunkhouse and let me prove it to
you?"

The woman wanted to find out  for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning  she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee,  ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
nobody ever paid me fer mah  services before."

"Don't be flattered... Take the money and buy  yourself some  boots that
fit!"