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clearsky
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« on: December 28, 2006, 10:16:55 PM » |
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Just in case some here haven't read the latest (12/29/06) on Ken's health, written by Ken himself, here's the link -- http://multiplex.integralinstitute.org/Public/cs/forums/permalink/2663/17234/ShowThread.aspx#17234In case the link doesn't work, I am posting an abridged version, with the type/content of omissions duly noted. It is an amazing account -- a gift -- someday we will all face our own "ICU" ordeal. In this candid account of his surviving multiple gran mal seizures, kidney failure, and the near-loss of his tongue, he, just as he did in writing Grace and Grit, recognizes Treya as his teacher. Dear Friends,
At 8:30 PM on Tuesday, December 5, 2006, while Becca and I were watching a movie, I had a grand mal seizure that was quite severe. Although these are common with CFIDS/REDD/ME, it has only happened once to me before, as far as I can tell. A really major grand mal seizure can kill you. Although this one didn?t do that, it came damn close, and was in any event severe enough to precipitate ten more equally severe seizures?one after another after another. By the time they got me to the ER and stabilized?about 12 hours later?not only had I suffered around a dozen grand mal seizures in a row, I had essentially flat-lined three times and had the electric paddles applied to my chest three times?overall, a pretty gruesome ordeal.
Every one of the eight physicians (each specialists) who worked on me, told me afterwards that they honestly did not think I would pull through. The good news is that I got several nights of really terrific sleep?actually I didn?t come to until three days later, in part because I was kept unconscious inasmuch as most patients panic if they awaken on all the life support systems I was hooked up to?no real polite way to say all this, but there was a tube up my ass, one in my penis, major catheters in the groin and carotid, and for three days was intubated (which means a breathing tube inserted past your larynx and into your lungs). My tongue was nearly bitten off in several places, and it was swollen to the extent it completely filled my mouth?basically it was the size of a tangerine, making intubation necessary for me to breath. I also had what?s known as aspiration pneumonia (which means that during several of the seizures, I vomited into my lungs, where the stomach acid eats away the lung tissue, leaving it open to serious infection, which is what happened). Creatine levels, which they wanted under 5000 before I could leave, were over 150,000. This could be an indication of extremely serious and irreversible kidney damage, making dialysis a life-long necessity. It was pretty easy to see why the doctors didn?t think I would make it.
During the three days and nights that I was unconscious, there actually was quite a bit of conscious activity going on in me?half of which was quite familiar, and half of which was just plain weird. On the one hand, there was ever-present Big Mind and an awareness of one?s True Nature. On the other hand, I kept dreaming that I was in this really strange room of blue and pink pastels done up in a rather wretched aesthetic. I kept thinking, ?This is a horrible dream?actually, with that color combination, it?s more like a nightmare??and then I would think that I have really got to wake up. Then I would shake my head really hard, open my eyes, and find myself in that same wretched room. I distinctly remember that happening at least three times. This wasn?t happening to the frontal personality of Ken Wilber (who often wasn?t present); it was simply happening as a modification of Big Mind. That?s one of the wonderfully weird things about that part of the experience; instead of Big Mind dreaming an entire Kosmos, it was simply dreaming this wretched pastel room. Big Mind was awake as Big Mind, and I was fully aware of, or rather as, that. That wasn?t what was bothering me. What was bothering me is why nondual awareness couldn?t shake off this horrid little pastel display (it reminded me of the last words of Oscar Wilde. The last thing he is reputed to have said on his deathbed was, ?Either me or those drapes have got to go.?)
On the fourth (or technically, third and a half) day, when Ken Wilber awoke, there was considerable confusion about this Ken Wilber character. Big Mind was still Big Mind, no problem; the external nightmare of the pastel room had been replaced with the ?objective reality? (i.e., relative reality) of the actual pastel room?no problem there either, ugly as the room was. But I couldn?t remember anything about this KW fellow. As a matter of fact, all short-term memory had been thoroughly scrambled. During the three-day period that I was ?unconscious,? I had at least one and possibly two experiences that were roughly similar to the near-death experience of light and tunnel (probably when they were using the electric paddles to stabilize my heartbeat). But even then it didn?t involve any choice that a Ken Wilber was making. KW just wasn?t there (the ?choice? about whether to come back or not had to do with the destiny of the Integral Vision in today?s world; and I had fully consented to come back and serve that Vision, but there was no ?me,? just ever-present nondual awareness. But even then I remember thinking this is the kind of dilemma or ?choice? that regularly arises on a day-to-day basis, and so there was nothing especially new here). But it was after I had regained normal consciousness, sometime on the fourth day, that there was confusion for the first time, because this KW personality was starting to form, in addition to Big Mind and objective room.
The next several days were pretty intense, to put it mildly. First of all, it was pretty clear that my tongue was in a pretty bad way. For quite some time I thought it had literally been bitten off, and that I might never speak again, or that if so, it would require extensive reconstructive surgery. Even more concernful to me, however, was that several doctors had, no doubt trying to prepare me, began indicating that they were following my kidney function carefully, because the kidneys were about as sick as they could possibly be and this might indicate I would need dialysis for the rest of my life, a truly unpleasant prospect.
I?ll have those who were there speak more directly to this issue, since they witnessed it, but, despite all of the true gruesomeness of the situation, I remember my distinct and first concern was the personnel who came into the room?making them feel at home, making them feel comfortable, making them feel happy, making them aware of their own True Nature to whatever extent possible. As I said, I?ll have a few others address that in a moment, but I believe to a large extent this succeeded. Odd as it might sound, that hospital room became a place of true joy and happiness for pretty much everybody on the sixth floor of the Intensive Care Unit. (Of course, I had been trained by the best in this?Treya.) But that room lit up with laughter and light and so much care?.
Still, this was without doubt the most horrific experience my life, and I commented frequently to friends that I honestly didn?t see how people who didn?t meditate could possibly endure something like this, let alone make it an occasion for levity and luminosity. And not just meditation. The doctors told me that the only reason I survived was that I was in such good physical shape at the beginning of the ordeal. When people started asking how I managed to get through something like this, I therefore started joking, ?Meditate and eat your veggies.?
When I said ?our? stay, it really was plural. As has happened in the past, Colin, Rollie, and Becca stayed with me 24 hours a day (or took shifts doing so). They made an absolutely hellish circumstance so much easier to tolerate. I still had tubes coming out of virtually every opening in my body (at least I didn?t have to get up and go to the bathroom); was strapped down so as to not accidentally pull needles or catheters out; had major needles still in my neck and groin and catheters in penis and anus; and, at this point, had not been able to even sit up for four days. I still could feel no tongue at all (just a round ball, about the size of a tangerine, that filled my mouth); kidney functions were improving, but were still alarmingly high. Having these dear friends there around the clock was truly a godsend. During all that time, even with all the horrifying news, I don?t think anyone ever saw me upset or angry or even irritated?but acts of kindness would just start me sobbing, and there was so much love and kindness shown by all of them it was so extraordinarily touching.
So, how am I doing now? Essentially, really well. Once I regained consciousness (i.e., gross-body consciousness), things seemed to improve quickly and dramatically. I am now over the aspiration pneumonia, and, most important of all, it looks like my kidneys have not suffered any serious permanent damage. This is really good news. I used to joke that the only major reason for having kids was for organ donors; since I don?t have any kids, I really would have gotten stuck on four hours of dialysis several times a week, not to mention all the peripheral damage. The one lingering problem is that I have one hell of a lisp. I?m told that it will continue to significantly improve; the tongue is so highly vascular that it has a high degree of healing capacity. But for the next month or two, if you talk to me, you?ll see what I mean by ?one hell of a lisp.? I was thinking about having a t-shirt made that said: ?I Had Twelve Grand Mal Seizures and All I Have to Show for It is This Stupid Lisp.?
(The first day that I had regained consciousness, and before I knew that I would regain any speech capacity at all, I knew that the staff at Integral Naked and I-I would of course be primarily concerned for my health as a friend, but that they also couldn?t help but be worried sick that this might mean the end of Integral Naked, because I could no longer talk, and because Integral Naked is our primary source of income, the end of I-I as well. So I spent the better part of that day trying to think of some way to handle that situation and thus mitigate their worry as much as possible, and finally hit upon what seems to be a really terrific idea. I leaned over and whispered to Colin, ?I figured out how to save Integral Naked?let the staff know.? He lit up when I wrote the idea down, and agreed it would work. Basically, the idea?a version of which we still intend on doing while my mouth continues to heal?is that I will ask each of our Integral Naked guests to pick one of their best friends and interview them for IN, and then we would carry that?in a sense, a guest host and a guest guest. This could bring us over a year?s worth of absolutely fascinating dialogues by and with some of the coolest people around. All of us still just love this idea?which happened under the oddest of circumstances, because I was still strapped down in bed on my back; I didn?t have to get up to urinate or defecate because the catheters coming out of my body automatically handled that; I didn?t have a tongue, but more what looks like a golf ball; and worst of all, I?m in this horrid little pastel room. Anyway, despite whatever fortitude with which I may have handled the thought of not being able to speak again, I can?t tell you how relieved I am to slowly have speech returning. This stupid little lisp is the sweetest sound I?ve ever heard.)
The other thing you might notice when you first talk with me is that lots of short-term memories are still reassembling themselves. Sometimes even really obvious things?from a person?s name to even who they might be?need to be mentioned, but once they are, everything falls back into place. So don?t worry if we are talking and I ask you to remind me of several really obvious things; also, if there seems to be something important about a topic that I?m not reflecting, don?t be shy in mentioning it.
[OMITTED SECTION WITH COMMENTARY AND REACTIONS OF REBECCA, COLIN, AND ROLLIE AND INFORMATION ON CFIDS/REDD/ME AND "KARMA AND ILLNESS"]
Next for Integral Institute
Aside from being set back a couple of months, Integral Institute is moving forward just fine. As a matter of fact, we are extraordinarily fortunate in that we escaped a proposed change in middle and upper management that would have spelled absolute disaster for I-I. We have completed our first round of looking for a new CEO, and are delighted with what we found.
(My only major regret is that we did lose one terrific person who was also our main financial contributor, and we are definitely hurting because of that. But we will simply put the word out and begin looking for some person or persons who can step in and help us out in a similar fashion as benefactor, in addition to the wonderful contributors that we still have and that are a central part of I-I?s organization. If you know anybody, or you yourself would like to work directly and closely with us in this regard, you know my email address?or simply email us from the President?s Circle page on the Integral Institute website. But we are beginning a serious search for patrons and benefactors, and would love to hear from you.)
In the meantime, the business aspects of things are going extraordinarily well. We have found our CEO candidate who will start with a two-month trial period?we are extremely happy with this person. (For those of you who applied for CEO, and have not yet heard from me, please forgive the delay, as I will personally be getting back to you. Also, because we might have found our CEO, there are also some other positions available that we would like you to consider?again I will be getting back to you on all of this.)
My own writing is continuing to go extraordinarily well. My first truly ?popular? book, The Integral Vision, will be out this summer from Shambhala. Further, I?m about 90% done with what I think is one of the most important works I?ve written, Transformations of Consciousness (which is the original book of that title with some 400 new pages of material?exploring healthy and dysfunctional forms of both states of consciousness and structures of consciousness?and in what I believe is a landmark fashion). The Many Faces of Terrorism, as some of you know, has grown into a trilogy (three books at about 450 pages each), which we simply call the ?terrorism trilogy? and which I?d say is about 70% done. We are, however, going to excerpt three of its main chapters that present a full-fledged theory of Integral Politics?and these will be included in the first two issues of The Integralist, Integral Institute?s membership magazine (the first two chapters are also available on kenwilber.com right now, here and here, with the third yet to be posted), whose first issue is due out sometime this spring/summer. All in all, some really good stuff, I think, coming down the pipe.
A Little Help from My Friends?.
I?d like to thank again Colin, Becca, and Rollie for staying with me (or taking turns) every minute, day and night, for the week that I was in the hospital, either in intensive care or telemetry. When you?ve been strapped into bed on your back, with tubes coming out of every orifice, and with no chance to even sit up, things like having some crushed ice to suck on can make all the difference in the world. These are always such clarifying moments and, paradoxical as it might seem, there was an astonishing amount of love and clarity and laughter and care coming out of that room all week long, it was obvious to everybody.
I also want to thank Dr. Roger Walsh for dropping everything he was doing and flying out from California. Roger is one of my two or three oldest and best friends and it meant a great deal to me. Dr. Mike von Gortler saved my life yet again, this time very literally, and reminded me how in debt I am to that incredibly decent human being. And thanks to Stu, Marci, Ara and Aja. But outside of these few folks, however, we tried to limit, at least at the beginning, the amount of information that went out, because many of my friends would want to come out immediately to see if they could help, and they would feel horrible if they didn?t?and since there really was nothing that could be done, we didn?t want people feeling bad about this. I still haven?t really made contact myself yet with hardly anybody, and that will still take a few weeks to a month or so, so please bear with me (my body really got creamed and is moving pretty slowly). But I thank all of you for your prayers and well wishes, the flowers, the candles lit online, and other deeply appreciated gestures of care and love and concern. Rollie said literally thousands of responses came in from all over the world, and I will never forget it. I have no doubt that?s why I pulled through this as quickly as I did.
Sending all my love and care and life and light,
Ken
(PS Please feel free to direct any concerned friends or colleagues to the blog version of this letter: http://www.kenwilber.com/blog/show/214)
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